


because i'm afraid (겁)

by sarangx



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, EVERYONE LOVES AND SUPPORTS EACH OTHER, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, i dont see enough of onew breaking and so i decided to contribute, jinks doesnt like to get yelled at, lapslock, our precious leader needs comforting, the angst isnt that bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 19:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11493258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarangx/pseuds/sarangx
Summary: jinki was supposed to be shinee's gentle and charismatic leader. he listened to all of their problems, gave them advice as their hyung. what they didn't realize, however, was that he had his own problems too. and it was just a matter of time before he finally broke."hey you idiot, don’t make it obviousbe strong, i know you’re lonelybut you need to get through it,are you crying? be a manstop crying and take responsibility once more."-"fear" ft taeyang by song mino





	because i'm afraid (겁)

**Author's Note:**

> i love this song and i love lee jinki let's begin

jinki loved his job as an idol. he really did. it was just that it got _too much_ sometimes, y'know? he was still human, all idols are. but people seemed to forget that at times, with the continuous workload that seemed to just get bigger and bigger as each day passed. go and try some gags here, show your wit there, sing till your voice gets raw- its consistence was just about sickening.

already, he and his four bandmates had reached their tenth year since debut. it had gotten easier, he'd admit, but instead of being forced to do every promotion they could, it had come to where there was an added burden of expectation. they had entered the music industry a while ago, and had gained popularity quickly. shinee was charming, talented, handsome, and so on. it wasn't that it was untrue. rather, it was that they couldn't be that way _all the damn time._

they still got the occasional acne, especially with all the makeup they had to wear. they still woke up with messy hair just like everyone else, and they still had morning breath. over half of the group was grumpy in the morning, sometimes leading into arguments or for tension to grow throughout the rest of the day. they weren't perfect- of course not. sometimes they would forget the choreography altogether, or run into each other and so forth. they had to work for their pay, had to earn their keep. and sometimes, even when they tried their best, it wasn't enough. not by the company's standards nor by their own.

kibum had the label as 'fashionista,' and whereas usually that would be an amazing role, it had gained more and more weight to it as time passed. he had to choose carefully what he had to wear. even if he was just going across the street or going out to eat, he had to make sure he looked good and met the fans' standards. it had been fun at first, but after a year or two, he just wanted to be comfortable and not always look like a runway model. he never knew when there were cameras rolling, even if his manager would say they weren't.

jonghyun had been extremely passionate since the very beginning. he loved singing and composing, and just being an idol in general. but there was a catch to everything; he was a perfectionist from his head to his toes. he'd always refuse to go back to the dorm until he had met the goal for the day- usually being something farfetched like completing an entire song or perfecting the choreography that had only been presented two days prior. most times, he'd forget to properly eat and sleep.

minho was the main visual of shinee. it was no secret. if anything, it was talked about _too_ much. his rapping nor his singing or dancing was ever talked about. his looks seemed to be the only thing keeping him in the group. and it drove him crazy. he wanted so badly to prove that he belonged, that he wasn't just a pretty face. he worked extremely hard, usually with jonghyun working deep into the night in the studio. he was stubborn in keeping his place, and he hated the doubts everyone had.

taemin had been thirteen when he first joined sm. he was thrown into the tiger's cage at an immature age, one that took away any chance of childhood left. he was worked to the bone, was told that in order to achieve his dream he had to give up some things, some of which being innocence, free time, family and so much more that a child still needed. he had to say goodbye to friends and to family and to a normal life.

all four of them, though, managed to stay afloat thanks to their leader's love and gentle care. jinki's smile seemed to dispel any negativity, the shine of his eyes and the warmth he emitted calming any upset souls. he was the pillar of shinee, and devoted his entire being to caring for his four dongsaengs whilst doing music. never once had he showed a frown or shed tears. he smiled on their behalf, determined to always be a raft for them when they fell.

but his selflessness led to the accumulation of his doubts and worries and problems over ten years. ranging from lacking in dance to struggling with all the attention, he had a hard time, too. he was a quiet kid ever since he was a toddler. he didn't particularly like the spotlight, so the camera flashes would still catch him by surprise every now and then. he didn't like loud noises, so the screams and cheers would always scare him at first before he would finally get used to it and be appreciative of the support. he was also met with the responsibility of being the leader as well as being the oldest of four. that scared him- it always had. he was afraid he wouldn't be good enough and that he'd disappoint everyone. he wanted so badly to be the best leader for shinee, to be an outstanding role model, but he always doubted himself. he always thought that maybe if he worked harder, if he slept less, they could prosper even more. his own needs were put behind everyone else's, and like that, walls were built around his weaknesses. he knew they would break one day, but he had hoped it wouldn't have happened like this.

" **hyung! why can't you just get it right!** " kibum's voice rang through the whole dance practice room, causing everyone's heads to raise in surprise. the music had been paused, and everyone was preparing to restart since jinki had accidentally stepped over his own foot and nearly tripped, missing the timing completely.

jinki was now frozen, head tilted down in shame as he bit his lip to stop an arising sob. his eyes were squeezed shut to try and halt any tears from spilling, but it didn't seem to do anything but hurt his eyelids. he twisted his hands together in apprehension and guilt. he _hated_ getting yelled at. it would always cause him to burst into tears and it'd trigger any other emotions. today hadn't been a good day, either- his manager had told him that his family wouldn't be able to make it to their next concert. why his parents couldn't just call him themselves was beyond him. all the same, though, it broke his heart and had placed a storm cloud over his head for the rest of the day. of course, he made sure to mask it the best he could; he still threw bright smiles at his members.

he hadn't been doing too great this whole practice session, so when kibum snapped at him it wasn't much of a surprise; it was just a matter of _when_ it would happen. jinki couldn't have prepared himself even if he did know.

"a-ah, sorry kibumie." he plastered an easy smile on his face when he raised his head, his lips shaking a bit when he saw the disappointed and concerned stares. he tried to speak again, but the words got stuck in his throat as they kept staring at him. usually his smile eased their worries, why wasn't it working? was there something on his--? oh. a tear had rolled down from his eye. shit.

"hyung? are you okay?" taemin asked softly, the first to walk forward and study the oldest's face.

jinki instinctively stepped back, attempting to keep the smile on his face as he vigorously wiped his face. his breathing had become ragged, and his heartbeat was far too fast to be normal.

"i-i'm fine, taemin-ah," he lied, his voice shaking and hollow even in his own ears. was kibum's voice still echoing in the room or was it just him? he wasn't sure at this point. "just- just tired." his lips curled up to try and form a more solid smile, but a few tears fell despite not having his consent. he suddenly felt weak, and his legs wobbled from holding his own weight. goosebumps ran across his skin under his hoodie and sweats as the room became more and more blurry.

"hey, hyung! it's okay, i've got you." minho's voice sounded above him- how'd he get in his arms?- and there was a hand in his hair. jinki felt himself close his eyes and take in a shuddering breath, squeezing the fabric of minho's shirt weakly.

"it's alright to cry, hyung," jonghyun said gently, eyes tender as he looked over jinki's form that huddled into minho's chest. he could tell something was wrong even before he had fallen into the rapper's arms. he just didn't know what this was about.

more tears slipped from jinki's eyes as he stifled his sobs. he hated this; he was supposed to be their great almighty leader. but now he was just a crying mess that was nothing but a big baby.

he then realized they were on the floor, still remaining cuddled into minho's chest. he knew the others were there, he could feel their worried stares. he wondered if they thought he was crazy, that he was being too emotional and sensitive. him suddenly crying surely would be a sight to see, he figured. he almost laughed had it not been for the gravity of the situation.

"hey, hyung? could you tell us what's wrong?" minho asked quietly, careful in his method of confronting jinki and figuring out how to fix it.

"'m sorry," jinki whispered, just audible enough for the four of them to hear. he opened his eyes, tears still falling from his red eyes. he gave a broken chuckle. "not a very good leader, am i?" he was grinning but there was such a deep sadness behind it that it alarmed the members.

"what? no, no, no! you're an _amazing_ leader!" kibum piped up, feeling guilty for yelling at jinki earlier. "how could you think that?" the others nodded in agreement, still facing their leader that was curled into himself.

"i'm much too clumsy for my own good. i'm a scaredy cat and i'm so weak," he laughed again but it was even more obvious how forced it was. "i mean seriously. who cries after being yelled at? i'm just being sensitive since my parents can't come to the concert i've begged them to come to for months. or maybe because i haven't had a decent meal in weeks. aish, i should probably make dinner for you guys some time, shouldn't i? how could i forget that?" he smacked his forehead as he shook his head, lips pursed as he thought over ingredients when he was suddenly thrown back into the present when jonghyun shook him.

"yah! what about _you,_ huh?" he asked, surprising jinki when he saw tears settled at the edges of his eyes.

"m-me..?" jinki's eyebrows furrowed. "i don't-- what are you asking? i'll make you guys some meat to--"

"what about _your_ needs? you need to take care of yourself, too!" jonghyun elaborated, eyes narrowed as tears began to fall. why was he crying?

jinki went silent at that. his eyes dropped to the ground, unable to meet eye contact with anyone. he hadn't really thought of that before. his top priority was the band. his health could wait. he didn't matter, he just had to make sure everyone else was good to go. now, thinking about himself, it was a bit strange. it was kinda earth-shattering too, all things considered. 

"you really didn't think twice about putting others before yourself, did you?" kibum murmured, twirling the dyed strands of jinki's hair between his fingers, "idiot. you matter so much to us. you need to be healthy to help us. you're so precious and we wish you saw that, too."

"sorry," jinki muttered, breathing shakily. he slowly reached out to jonghyun, crawling over to lay over both him and kibum. taemin and minho followed suit, sitting up on either sides of him. he relaxed when he felt hands in hair as well his skin. soft fingers caressed his cheeks, causing him to lean into the touch. his body went limp, eyes closing.

"just sleep, hyung. don't worry about us or anything else, okay?"

he supposed he had nothing to be afraid of after all. he trusted that his members could take care of him for the day.

**Author's Note:**

> might be ooc at some parts?? not sure lmao  
> the ending was so bad holy shit i'm sorry


End file.
